Did you know that 50% of previously married older adults remarry over age 65? When an older adult remarries, the dynamic of the whole family can shift- especially when children are involved. If your loved one is considering remarrying, it’s essential to be mindful and aware of what changes may occur while being supportive of your loved one and respeciting their decision making.
Remarriage may occur after divorce or after the passing of a spouse. Many older adults report remarrying due to concern of being alone and the desire for social support as they age. Having a partner can be beneficial for your loved one as they age in a variety of ways. It can increase socialization and activity, as well as provide support in case of an emergency. Of course, it also provides companionship and intimacy. However, if the couple does not have the support of close family and friends their relationship likely will struggle. There can be tension as the family dynamic shift and in some cases, it can be difficult for the adult children to adjust. They may have concerns about new family members and the implications for their loved one’s future. Depending on their loved one’s cognition, they may have concerns about their decision making capabilities.
Having open, honest conversations ensure that concerns are reduced and everyone is on the same page.
For some, it may come as a surprise if their loved one chooses to remarry in retirement. It’s important to be mindful of the emotions that your loved one is experiencing as they announce their marriage, even if you do not necessarily agree with the relationship. Keep in mind while they may be happy and in love, they may also be experiencing a fear of being alone. If they are a widow or widower, they may experience feelings of guilt about remarrying after their spouse’s passing.
Have an open, supportive conversation about why they are marrying before expressing your opinion. Adult children may find it difficult to watch a parent remarry, but having an understanding of what they are feeling emotional can help determine the best response. Even if you are apprehensive of the relationship, being supportive while walking your loved one through steps to protect themselves (like reviewing legal documents) will be more successful in preserving your relationship with your loved one and building trust.
Remarrying at any age, but especially after retirement, can alter an individual’s financial situation. Encourage your loved one to work with an experienced financial planner or attorney to review financial plans. Combining finances may altar Social Security, taxes, and long-term care planning. It also can impact inheritances after your loved one passes. For these reasons, some older couples may choose to cohabitate without becoming legally wed. Stress and tension between family members are frequently caused by changes and concern around finances.
When initiating this conversation with your loved one, be mindful of their emotions but keep your emotions out of the conversation. Stick to facts and be realistic. Always encourage connecting with the professional they are working with to make decisions.
If you and your loved one have previously discussed their hopes for future care, it’s a good time to review that conversation. If plans had been made for them to move in with you or a senior residence, for example, those plans may need to be adjusted. They may have new plans with their new partner or will want to incorporate that partner into the conversation.
You should also take time to review documents about health care decisions such as a living will and POLST form. For some, their preferences may shift after a life-changing event such as a marriage. If there are changes, these documents may need to be updated with the assistance of an attorney.
Combining families means finding a balance between family traditions, but it’s not always easy to find that balance. Find ways to incorporate both family traditions as well as hold room for new traditions. It’s important to continue spending quality time with your aging loved one.
